one’s signal
by Jörgen Axelvall
half way to heaven
high in the sky
room fourteen o five
admission today
a high definition screen
projects the movie I chose
- Angels of America -
gritty gray analogue
N.Y.C
with a stellar cast
and a metropolis
on the verge
through my daubed window
unfolds nature’s choice
- Clouds of Tokyo (?) -
a blue sky starring
dreamy vapors
floating across
the immense city
a synergetic display
I focus on neither
exploring bed positions
I drift in my lull
immersed in the now
I sense the past
blend and blur
from the street beneath
sirens ascend seductively
Seamlessly interwoven
adding to the score
You see, a short fall
from my involuntary view
Is the ambulance ramp
ER
a raving pandemic
dubbed covid-19
(it’s 2021!)
I hoist a much older plague
HIV from 2008
now turned cancerous
AIDS-21 perhaps?
the movie’s horror
confirms my fortune
30 years of science
makes death a fluke
through curtain covered rooms
screams of agony
When twilight arrives
clouds have vanished
‘the end’ is near
but illness persist
and sirens remain
convoluted on the floor
pain shrieks - I squeal
it will subside
I hope I know
never fast enough
god damn it!
a knock on the door
nurse with a tray
next to the red pill
an opioid appears
my first ever,
legally obtained,
that is
I swallow with anticipation
reward is quick
A sigh of euphoria
the pain is gone
vitality has a moment
rejoice, rebound
a semi boner poses!
Hello old friend
It’s been months, with an s
a rush I remember a rouse I like
inspired eyes notice
body mirrored in nightly window
camera in hand - I’m so very thin
hold tight
must capture self!
moon full of light
brain full of thoughts
through and through
til early morning
sleep evades
deviation perhaps
transfusion profusion
new blood in
defective defecated
every five minutes
or so
be aware
bloody bowl
dysenteric discharge
mucus expelled
vigor depleted
and poise punctured
Actually,
none came as a surprise
for years I’ve known
visions of ravaged body
hospital bed, latex, food trays
premonitions would gush
randomly, routinely
hairless head, bony body, hollow eyes
starring back at my foresight
the specifics remained unclear
fluorescent lighting, vinyl flooring
could be anything .. but
cancer was not assumed
chemoradiotherapy
drip drop - venom in vein
zip zap - beam at pain
machines and chemicals
dear motherly love
I miss you so
night nurse
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24 hours in
brain be mud
48 hour halfway
nose be blood
rash, scab, sores
and blistered balls
constipation damnation
must move
but nowhere to go
I tramp the corridor
from east to west
eighty eight steps one way
a piano path
I pace and pound
no harmony
but toneless rattle
creaky drip-stand
accompanies ho-hum
no hurrah parade
back and forth
and back to bed
tick and tock
check the clock
96 hour’s done
unplug me please
relief respite
I recess
remission?
deceit me not
I like to live
I recede
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